In Every Life, A Little Rain Must Fall

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only experiences through trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved." Helen Keller

A few months ago I took my son to get his driver's permit. Although I did not see him poring over his books with a sweaty brow, as I had decades earlier, I trusted that he was prepared. As I sat in the cold waiting room at the DMV, I started to get a sinking feeling. I looked across the room to see my son, crestfallen, mouth the words, "I didn't pass." My heart sank. I felt terrible for him. I knew that consoling him was just part of my work that day. Teaching him how to move past his disappointment to honestly reflect on his role in the unwanted outcome and create a plan for future success was my principal task.

Inevitably, each of our children will suffer the pain of not reaching a goal. Many times in fact, throughout their lives. It is therefore imperative that we give them the tools to navigate through the little storms of life now while they are young.

To help your children deal with disappointment:
1. Allow them to express their feelings. Listen and give them hugs and encouraging words.

2. Remind them that they are not the sum of their mistakes or failures and that they are completely capable of reaching their goals.

3. Encourage them to reflect on how they may have contributed to the negative outcome and think about what they would do differently next time. They may need a little coaxing, but be careful not to offer your suggestions right away. The idea is to get them to take responsibility and exercise problem solving skills. Try not to use "See, what you should have done is...",or "If you had listened to me..." Guilt and shame are discouraging and keep the focus on past mistakes instead of finding workable solutions. Instead try, "Can you think of three new things you would do next time to prepare?" or "What are some of the ways other people you know have prepared for this?"

4. Make sure they have the tools to put the new plan/strategy into action. Give them a helping hand if necessary.

5. Celebrate when your child does reach his goal. Congratulate him on his courage, tenacity and good problem solving skills. This will certainly boost his self esteem, while helping him draw connections between goal setting and what it takes for him to be successful.

One month after his "disappointment at the DMV", my son received his permit.--and more importantly, a new life lesson!

~Sheila~
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