Just Do It: Encourage Your Children Even When You're Not So Sure

“If you hold a cat by the tail, you learn things you cannot learn any other way.” – Mark Twain

Grabbing a cat by the tail? That’s risky. Yet, as I watch my son receive an award today for his performance on the middle school basketball team, I realize that he has been doing exactly that over the last year – with awesome results!

Standing 5"8' at 12 years old, basketball might seem like a no-brainer for him, but it hasn’t been an easy ride. Aside from the awkwardness that a child who grows so fast might experience, he has had to overcome some challenges with hand-eye coordination, and gross and fine motor movement since he was young. These challenges, and his low frustration tolerance, prompted us to delay his entry into competitive sports until things “came together” for him. He tried out for his school’s basketball team last year and was not selected, much to his great disappointment. Instead, he joined the team in our community league, where tryouts were not necessary, but his teammates were far more experienced. In the spring, he set his sights on running track for the first time. He had always been fast, but endurance was going to be a challenge, I thought. By the end of the spring season, he was winning most of his races and relay legs. Additionally, he ended the year running the fastest mile of all the students in his grade and he is ahead of his classmates again this year. He was named Rookie of the Year for his track team last spring.

This fall, he decided he wanted to play soccer. Here again, I thought "not only has he not played the game ever, but soccer players are usually pretty compact". After the first few practices, he proclaimed, "I'm not one of the best players on the team, but I believe I can help the team". While he did not exhibit the fancy footwork of his teammates, who clearly had been playing since preschool, it turned out he really could move the ball on the field, he loved doing "headers", and his coach said he had "great field presence". Also in the fall, he ventured into new territory and selected violin instruction for his music requirement. He had never shown a natural affinity for music and I also wondered about his handling of the instrument, itself. I worried he would get discouraged and hate practicing. It was hard for him in the beginning, but he was willing to practice, anyway. He hasn’t committed to a concert career yet, but he did earn an “A” in the class.

As you can see, I harbored a few reservations here and there. However, we still found ways to encourage our son along the way:

- We asked him to do the research regarding skills, equipment and expenses as well as time commitments associated with each activity.

- We requested his agreement to put in the hard work necessary to learn the new skills and fairly determine, at the end, if he had a long-term interest in the new activity.

- We let him create, and work, his own game plan for success with minimal reminders to stay on task.

- We showed up to support him at all performances and athletic events and shamelessly, but respectfully, cheered him on.

My son reminded me this year, that anything is possible, if you dare to believe. Noted American actress and writer, Ruth Gordon, said “Courage is like a muscle. We strengthen it with use.” We are so thankful we were able to see our son’s courage grow so strong this year. More importantly, though, we are grateful that he saw it for himself.

~Carol~

For more thoughts on encouraging children, check these books out at our e-store (http://astore.amazon.com/garparconllc-20):

The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Against Depression and Build Lifelong Resilience, by Martin E. Seligman, Ph.D.

In Their Own Way: Discovering and Encouraging Your Child's Multiple Intelligences by Thomas Armstrong

Hello? Are you there?

Improvements in communications technology over the past decade are nothing short of amazing. Today, with the help of wireless technology, we can be reached virtually anywhere, anytime via Skype, text, cell phone, and email, in addition to the old-fashioned phone. Many of us parents can be found at all times of the day, phone in hand, immediately attending to its every beck and beep. Unfortunately, current studies show that this unlimited access creates communication barriers between children and parents who find it impossible to "disconnect" while spending time with their children.

Our kids are smart. They know when they do not have our full attention, even when we are physically present with them the entire day. When we become beholden to this constant wireless connectivity, it leaves our children feeling ignored and encourages them to find ways to compete for your attention -- sometimes resulting in negative behavior. In addition, it models unhealthy wireless use for our older children.

Disconnecting from technology is really not as difficult and scary as it sounds. Here are some ideas to help you know when to disconnect from technology to allow meaningful connections with your child!

1. Don't answer calls, texts or emails during one-on-one time with your child.

2. Don't use communications technology during meals.

3. Don't use communications technology while reading with or doing homework with your child.

4. If your child asks a question while you are using your computer or phone, make eye contact with her as you respond. Acknowledging your child through eye contact, gives and teaches respect while assuring her of your presence.

5. If circumstances demand that you spend lengthy periods of time on the computer or phone, take a moment to give your child a specific time that he can depend on to have your undivided attention. "Johnny, at 6:00 I will turn off my computer/phone and play with you." Follow through on your promise. Following through will assure your child and limit his need to compete for your attention.

The time we have with our children truly is fleeting! I am reminded of that every day as I look up into the face of my 6 foot 1 1/2 inch, fourteen year old son. It was just yesterday that he was an infant, swatting at the telephone when he thought I had been on it too long. Now, knowing that he will be away in college before I know it, I am all eyes and ears when he comes to me to ask a question or share a story. Unplugging from technology to plug in to your child is valuable beyond measure for both you and your child. To be truly present with our children is the cornerstone of good parenting.

This month we are recommending Table Topics family conversation starters. They are great at dinner or on the go.
~Sheila~


© 2010 Gardener Parenting Consultants, LLC All rights reserved.

www.gardenerparenting.com