Why Can't We Be Friends?

Yesterday, an article about parent-child relationships, grabbed my attention. It seems that, aided by recent market research, media programming executives have made a shocking discovery: most teens like their parents and, get ready for this – most teens like spending time with their parents. What does this mean for us parents, who of late have been alternately portrayed as absent, clueless, insensitive, or uncaring? In order to capitalize on the new trend, networks are feverishly rolling out new teen shows that aspire to reflect parents who understand their children. As a parent of young boys who frequently finds herself in the “uncool” position of boycotting shows featuring persistent portrayals of dysfunctional family life, this was great news. Upon examination of some of the new offerings, I have found that some swing the pendulum a little too far to the other side – parents as “BFFs” who bring their own drama into the mix.

I can understand parents wanting to maintain “friend”-ly and respectful relationships with their children, but do we really want to play in the same league with our children’s friends? Let’s face it, friends may come and go, betray trust, withhold constructive criticism, and lead our children astray. Ideally, not even faithful friends should hold more sway with our children than we do. While our children may bristle at our house rules and question our advice and counsel, we must present ourselves as steady beacons lighting the way for our children, come what may. This responsibility is the mandate and privilege of parents, alone. Relationships with our children creep too far into “friend and buddy” territory when we begin to relax sound and reasonable limits to avoid conflict, lower our standards for respect and accountability, and over-share personal drama and challenges with our children. Routine interactions become less respectful, and regard for your values and views diminishes as your children sense your lack of conviction. Your unique voice of reason becomes interchangeable with those of their other, “more enlightened” friends.

While television executives, motivated by advertising dollars, vacillate over how to portray family life, resolve to shape the narrative in your home by:

• Staying connected through daily dialogue and making time for regular one-on-one activities with each child.

• Making a sincere effort to understand your children’s interests and providing outlets to engage and expand their curiosity.

• Communicating expectations clearly, establishing reasonable limits and upholding the limits you set, consistently. Take the time to share your insights and provide instruction, so that children are adequately prepared to carry out their responsibilities effectively.

• Allowing choices, where appropriate. There is often more than one way to get a job done.

• Enlisting your children’s help to solve routine problems that affect them and other family members, allowing respectful discourse even when opposing views are presented. It’s empowering to feel heard and your children may offer creative solutions you haven’t considered. However, do not burden them with your personal problems as they are very often beyond the scope of their age and stage of emotional development. It is disrespectful to you and your child.

We would do well to remember that parenting is not a popularity contest. As with every other endeavor, it takes courage to stand on our principles even when challenged by the children we dearly love. Yet, we must serve as loving guideposts in our children’s lives and not reeds swaying in the breeze.

-Carol-

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