Can we all just get along?

“I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.”
—Maya Angelou

I will never forget the day my then four year old son, frustrated by his two year old sister’s constant destruction of his toys exclaimed, “I hate her!” I was shocked. Imagining a lifetime of discord between them, I literally cried. Ten years later, their relationship is harmonious, with lots of attention and hard work from all of us.

In our culture, sibling rivalry is considered a normal rite of passage. Conventional wisdom says, “Leave them alone, they will grow out of it.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. Families often contain personalities that are not naturally compatible. Siblings won’t always see eye to eye, nor should we compel them to. Instead, learning to respect the position of others, while courageously and respectfully defending their own views will serve our children well throughout their lives. These lessons begin in your home.

Tips for curbing sibling rivalry:

Don’t ignore the bickering.
Encourage children to talk out their differences, making sure each child listens and has a chance to be heard. Have them work together on solutions to problems. Provide guidance if they find it difficult, but be careful not to take sides. Demonstrate how they might speak respectfully to each other, teaching them to describe their feelings and needs without hurling blame or insults at each other. Share with them the power of words and the difference positive language can make in resolving differences and achieving their goals. Once they have these skills, there will be fewer instances where you need to intervene.

Don’t allow “random acts of meanness” to go unnoticed.
These moments are hard for parents to witness and can be deeply discouraging. First, acknowledge the child’s feelings, and remind him of your family values where his behavior is concerned ("In our family we do not..."). He should then apologize to his sibling. You are not discounting either child’s feelings; you are establishing ground rules for expressing disappointment or anger in the family.

Create opportunities for siblings to enjoy each other’s company.
Provide games and toys that they will enjoy playing with together. Go on family outings and vacations to create shared positive experiences. Even household chores can be fun, or at least bearable, when they work as a team.
Hold regular family meetings. Family meetings will provide an opportunity to discuss concerns and make plans, while fostering a greater sense of community among family members.

Carve out special moments with each of your children.
Have regular “one on one” time with each of your children. Knowing they each have this time to look forward to can reduce the competition for attention that often fuels negative behavior among siblings. These moments also allow parents to connect with each child to gain a special understanding of their unique needs and desires.

Learning to "get along" at home prepares children for the many relationships they will have in the future. They may not become best friends, but they will learn to how to listen and communicate their needs more effectively. Ultimately, we want our children to respect each other and the relationship they share, according it the care and attention it deserves.
~Sheila~

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