Teaching Our Kids a Lesson - Consequences or Punishment?

When a child misbehaved in the early days, a parent immediately thought “I need to teach that boy/girl a lesson.” Usually, this involved some type of punishment, such as humiliation, isolation, moderate to severe spanking, or hard labor – something the child could “feel” so he would remember not to make the same mistake again. There’s no question the child remembered this experience, but what did he really learn? "Don’t get caught next time?" "No honest mistake goes unpunished?" "Don’t dare to try anything different?" Punishment does provide momentary satisfaction for the parents because they feel like they “won” this round. Yet, beside every winner, you find a loser. Is that really what we want for our child?

Errors don’t have to be fatal for our children and indeed lessons can be learned if we are willing to do the work. This work includes establishing reasonable limits and establishing boundaries that are clear, specific, and firm, but which provide some flexibility to allow for changes over time in the situation, your child’s development, and even your child’s perspective. Respecting limits should not be optional or conditional and should not be revised in the moment of rebellion. When the limits are tested, consequences should follow as soon as possible following the misbehavior.

Some situations have natural consequences attached, for example if your child leaves his backpack in the yard after school and there is an evening thunderstorm, it will be soaked and the contents will be damaged. Similarly, if a child chooses not to take a jacket to school on a fall day, she may get cold on the ride home. A natural consequence has a direct cause, is not personal, and applies to everyone. A logical consequence, on the other hand, does not naturally follow the situation, but is instead created to address the situation. In these instances, a consequence should be clearly related to the problem at hand, reasonable and in proportion to the problem, and respectful of all involved. A consequence should also be a step in the direction of restoration of what has been damaged (i.e., object, relationship, situation, etc.). For example, a child who damages his sister’s DVD may have to purchase a new one or may not be allowed to watch her DVD’s for a period of time. Finally, a consequence should allow room for the child to try again soon.

Consistency in upholding limits and following through with appropriate consequences increases understanding, cuts down on revenge-seeking (on all sides), and reduces the urge to test limits. When these elements are in place, our children can learn meaningful lessons about the impact of their actions.

-Carol-

©2010 Gardener Parenting Consultants, LLC