Just Do It: Encourage Your Children Even When You're Not So Sure

“If you hold a cat by the tail, you learn things you cannot learn any other way.” – Mark Twain

Grabbing a cat by the tail? That’s risky. Yet, as I watch my son receive an award today for his performance on the middle school basketball team, I realize that he has been doing exactly that over the last year – with awesome results!

Standing 5"8' at 12 years old, basketball might seem like a no-brainer for him, but it hasn’t been an easy ride. Aside from the awkwardness that a child who grows so fast might experience, he has had to overcome some challenges with hand-eye coordination, and gross and fine motor movement since he was young. These challenges, and his low frustration tolerance, prompted us to delay his entry into competitive sports until things “came together” for him. He tried out for his school’s basketball team last year and was not selected, much to his great disappointment. Instead, he joined the team in our community league, where tryouts were not necessary, but his teammates were far more experienced. In the spring, he set his sights on running track for the first time. He had always been fast, but endurance was going to be a challenge, I thought. By the end of the spring season, he was winning most of his races and relay legs. Additionally, he ended the year running the fastest mile of all the students in his grade and he is ahead of his classmates again this year. He was named Rookie of the Year for his track team last spring.

This fall, he decided he wanted to play soccer. Here again, I thought "not only has he not played the game ever, but soccer players are usually pretty compact". After the first few practices, he proclaimed, "I'm not one of the best players on the team, but I believe I can help the team". While he did not exhibit the fancy footwork of his teammates, who clearly had been playing since preschool, it turned out he really could move the ball on the field, he loved doing "headers", and his coach said he had "great field presence". Also in the fall, he ventured into new territory and selected violin instruction for his music requirement. He had never shown a natural affinity for music and I also wondered about his handling of the instrument, itself. I worried he would get discouraged and hate practicing. It was hard for him in the beginning, but he was willing to practice, anyway. He hasn’t committed to a concert career yet, but he did earn an “A” in the class.

As you can see, I harbored a few reservations here and there. However, we still found ways to encourage our son along the way:

- We asked him to do the research regarding skills, equipment and expenses as well as time commitments associated with each activity.

- We requested his agreement to put in the hard work necessary to learn the new skills and fairly determine, at the end, if he had a long-term interest in the new activity.

- We let him create, and work, his own game plan for success with minimal reminders to stay on task.

- We showed up to support him at all performances and athletic events and shamelessly, but respectfully, cheered him on.

My son reminded me this year, that anything is possible, if you dare to believe. Noted American actress and writer, Ruth Gordon, said “Courage is like a muscle. We strengthen it with use.” We are so thankful we were able to see our son’s courage grow so strong this year. More importantly, though, we are grateful that he saw it for himself.

~Carol~

For more thoughts on encouraging children, check these books out at our e-store (http://astore.amazon.com/garparconllc-20):

The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Against Depression and Build Lifelong Resilience, by Martin E. Seligman, Ph.D.

In Their Own Way: Discovering and Encouraging Your Child's Multiple Intelligences by Thomas Armstrong

Full Esteem Ahead -- Building Confidence in Our Children

“Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes to drain it dry.” – Alvin Price

Remember watching your little one take his first steps? There was a lot of trial and error while he got his bearings, with many falls, no doubt. Very often, with little prompting, he got right up and started again. It never occurred to him that he should be afraid to give it another try. However, as many children grow and become more self-conscious, they become less comfortable with taking a fall.

Having come out on the other side, we as adults can appreciate the wisdom that comes with mistakes and missed opportunities. Our children, however, often have a hard time seeing any upside to trying, and failing. It is our job to help them, at an early age, achieve a high level of confidence as well as a measure of comfort with mistakes if they are to truly stretch themselves and grow.

Here's how we can keep their can-do spirit alive and, rekindle it, if the spark has dimmed.

1. Listen to your child with your eyes as well as your ears. Plan your day so that you can carve out time to "just be" with your child, devoting your full attention, even if only for 15 minutes. Children long to be truly "known" and accepted. The investment you will be making in your child's spirit is immeasurable. Not only will you establish a vital line of communication between the two of you, but your child will learn to connect with others, sincerely and confidently.

2. Take time to teach your child to take care of himself. It may be quicker and easier to dress and feed your toddler, but he sure would be proud of himself if he knew how to do those things without help. Start early to harness that innocence, energy, and enthusiasm to propel him toward a feeling of mastery and competence through practice. As your child gets older, he will have a broader range of needs and interests that he must manage for himself, like school, hobbies, sports, friendships, etc. The early successes will be the building blocks of courage and self confidence.

3. Share your values, beliefs and culture with your child. The routines and "house rules" you establish give your child a hint about what you think is important to your family. Yet, you practice many daily habits that have their roots in closely held beliefs, be they religious, cultural or otherwise, You can't assume your child absorbs them just by watching you. Actively practicing and sharing your values, beliefs and traditions forms a proud legacy within your child's mind and heart that will help him feel grounded and secure about who he is and where he comes from.

4. Encourage your child to try new things and reach for new goals. Early on, allow your child to explore new hobbies, sports, and other interests and see what natural gifts and passions may emerge. Be patient if things don't work out exactly as planned. Let her know there is no pressure for perfection. Find some aspect of your child's effort about which you can provide specific, positive observations to assure her that she's one step closer to her goal. Pass along tips or "trade secrets" you've learned along the way. Share examples from your own life that illustrate successes as well as disappointments, and the valuable lessons learned from all of those experiences.

5. Involve your child in the work of running the house. Train her to complete jobs around the house that not only benefit her, but make a difference in the life of the whole family. Provide a forum for your child to offer suggestions about how things can be done. Knowing that you all count on her contributions will raise her self-esteem.

6. Engage your child in his community. Beyond forming friendships with classmates and friends in the neighborhood, keep your child informed about community activities and seek out opportunities for your family to lend a hand. The notion that the small efforts of many, working together, make a big difference can be very empowering for a child when he sees it in action.

It is easy to see how a child's self-esteem would have a major impact on his social interactions and performance in school. In fact, studies have shown it to be so pivotal that children with strong self-esteem and average academic potential often outperform their peers with higher academic potential but low self-esteem. Belief in, and satisfaction with, oneself are critical ingredients that are worth cultivating in our children if they are to achieve success in any arena. Finally, self-esteem fuels resilience and when our children have that, they handle what the world dishes out...and create a feast.

-Carol-